Still Beating

It has definitely been a while since I last wrote anything here.  I feel as if I only come here to write when I feel helpless or hopeless.  Or maybe I come here when I feel inspired to write, which is typically triggered by intense emotions.  Either way, here I am again.

I really don't know how to move forward or where to even go.

I have been feeling terribly sad for the past few weeks.  In all aspects of my life (seemingly), I have been in conflict with others.  I have been called "the face of evil."  I have been told that I am "denying  someone the love of Jesus Christ."  I have been called "hateful."  I have received an anonymous letter telling me I should quit my job because I "don't have a heart for the community in which I work."  I have had someone I care about de-friend me on Facebook and refuse to speak with me.

Since when did I become Satan incarnate?

I earnestly seek to do good in this world, and while I know people are frustrated with me for multiple reasons, I don't think I have done anything regrettable.  I think I am being called names and sent anonymous letters because people are unfairly upset with me.  And that sucks.

I suppose I am building and gaining thicker skin.  After all, if I am going to spend a life in ministry, I am getting some good practice.  Even though I know that I don't deserve to be called these things and   haven't done wrong, it's hard to have all the multiple levels in my life calling me all the names.  It's hard not to internalize.

While I know I don't deserve this, it's still what I'm getting.

So where to go? What to do?  I guess hope and pray for better days.  Trying for reconciliation where I can.

But at the end of the day, all the broken hearts in the world still beat.

Let it Go

I'm not really sure how I feel today.

Well, actually, I take that back.  Today, I feel pretty sad.

Right now, I'm in this perpetual state of waiting.  And waiting is the worst.

First, I'm waiting to hear back from Children's Hospital to see if they are going to offer me a spot in their Summer CPE Unit as a Hospital Chaplain.

Second, I'm waiting on a boy.  Remember that boy I talked about months and months ago? Yeah, I'm that pathetic.  We have continued to talk with one another throughout the year, and I am supposed to go visit him in the upcoming weeks.  But, I literally never hear from him, and there are all these picture of him with another girl on facebook.

I could literally kick myself.

I KNOW better than this.  My head and my heart have been raging in this ultimate, epic showdown, and my head has been losing.  My heart has been winning, but now, it's in a place where it's hurting.  I cannot believe that I am hurting over this.  I literally CANNOT believe it, because I am so much smarter and better than this.

But regardless, here I am.

Standing with my heart in my hands.  Open, vulnerable, wounded.  I'm sinking to the floor with nothing but silent, hot tears streaming down my face.  And nobody knows.  And worse than that, nobody cares.  And I feel as if I cannot tell anyone because I am so embarrassed that I allowed myself to find myself back in this horrible, wretched place.  I thought he was different.  I thought he was changing, and yet, here I am.  Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.

I don't know how to let go of this.  I don't know how to share this with other people.  I want to express my emotions, but I am so embarrassed.

I used to think the worst thing in life was ending up alone.  I was wrong.  The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel as if you are alone.

Embarrassed. Hurt. Wounded. Sad.