Still Beating

It has definitely been a while since I last wrote anything here.  I feel as if I only come here to write when I feel helpless or hopeless.  Or maybe I come here when I feel inspired to write, which is typically triggered by intense emotions.  Either way, here I am again.

I really don't know how to move forward or where to even go.

I have been feeling terribly sad for the past few weeks.  In all aspects of my life (seemingly), I have been in conflict with others.  I have been called "the face of evil."  I have been told that I am "denying  someone the love of Jesus Christ."  I have been called "hateful."  I have received an anonymous letter telling me I should quit my job because I "don't have a heart for the community in which I work."  I have had someone I care about de-friend me on Facebook and refuse to speak with me.

Since when did I become Satan incarnate?

I earnestly seek to do good in this world, and while I know people are frustrated with me for multiple reasons, I don't think I have done anything regrettable.  I think I am being called names and sent anonymous letters because people are unfairly upset with me.  And that sucks.

I suppose I am building and gaining thicker skin.  After all, if I am going to spend a life in ministry, I am getting some good practice.  Even though I know that I don't deserve to be called these things and   haven't done wrong, it's hard to have all the multiple levels in my life calling me all the names.  It's hard not to internalize.

While I know I don't deserve this, it's still what I'm getting.

So where to go? What to do?  I guess hope and pray for better days.  Trying for reconciliation where I can.

But at the end of the day, all the broken hearts in the world still beat.

Let it Go

I'm not really sure how I feel today.

Well, actually, I take that back.  Today, I feel pretty sad.

Right now, I'm in this perpetual state of waiting.  And waiting is the worst.

First, I'm waiting to hear back from Children's Hospital to see if they are going to offer me a spot in their Summer CPE Unit as a Hospital Chaplain.

Second, I'm waiting on a boy.  Remember that boy I talked about months and months ago? Yeah, I'm that pathetic.  We have continued to talk with one another throughout the year, and I am supposed to go visit him in the upcoming weeks.  But, I literally never hear from him, and there are all these picture of him with another girl on facebook.

I could literally kick myself.

I KNOW better than this.  My head and my heart have been raging in this ultimate, epic showdown, and my head has been losing.  My heart has been winning, but now, it's in a place where it's hurting.  I cannot believe that I am hurting over this.  I literally CANNOT believe it, because I am so much smarter and better than this.

But regardless, here I am.

Standing with my heart in my hands.  Open, vulnerable, wounded.  I'm sinking to the floor with nothing but silent, hot tears streaming down my face.  And nobody knows.  And worse than that, nobody cares.  And I feel as if I cannot tell anyone because I am so embarrassed that I allowed myself to find myself back in this horrible, wretched place.  I thought he was different.  I thought he was changing, and yet, here I am.  Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.

I don't know how to let go of this.  I don't know how to share this with other people.  I want to express my emotions, but I am so embarrassed.

I used to think the worst thing in life was ending up alone.  I was wrong.  The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel as if you are alone.

Embarrassed. Hurt. Wounded. Sad.

Re-direct

I don't know what is going on with me, but I just feel really hopeless.

In a sense, I feel like I don't know what I am living day to day for.  I feel alone and isolated.  I feel like I am not who I want to be.  I feel like I don't know what I am looking forward to.

But at the same time, I have to have hope.  Hope is really the only thing keeping me going.  This idea that there is something awaiting me in the future that will be exciting and bring joy into my life.

Everything is in the process of changing.

I have started my 2nd year of seminary, and while I am enjoying my classes. I don't feel the energy of being a new student.  I just feel overwhelmed.  I feel like so many things are changing and I'm left in this place of being unable to move as it is all happening.

I feel paralyzed.

But I have to find joy.  I cannot go on without joy.

I need a serious re-direct in my life.  And, maybe my focus should not so much be on how I feel, but rather, how I make others feel.

Here's to the re-direct.

Walk On

I am at a really interesting place in my life: a transition.

I am transitioning out of the PT world back into the world of Perkins and the life of an academic.

And it is strange.

I guess in a sense, it always is.  I have been here before. I have had PT withdrawal. But, I always forget how hard it is.

And as I am transitioning back into the world of Perkins and into the lives of my friends at Perkins, I just cannot help but feel strange. I feel like all of my friends are going through these individual battles that I didn't know they were dealing with.  But, now I am finding out and sitting in the shock of it all. As it is news to me, but probably not to them.

All I can think is: "What is happening?!?!"

And all of it just shows me how much of a transition this all is.  I have literally been out of the Perkins world for months now, and I don't really know what is going on there.  It makes me a little bit sad.

Finishing up at PT, a lot of things happened.  The boy that I swore things would never happen with? Well, we kind of had a fling in the last week.  He took me out on a few dates, and we may or may not have kissed.  But, nothing really ever transpired out of it.  And I was ok with that. Until the last day.  I thought I was going to walk away from it all content, but I didn't.  So, these past couple of weeks have felt a bit sad.  That, and I'm pretty sure he might be going on dates with another friend of mine.  I'm never really going to ask, because I really don't think I can handle knowing.

I don't regret having a fling with him--it was fun.  That said, I could NEVER date this boy.  He doesn't know what he wants, and he says one thing, while his actions say another.  I am so over that.  He doesn't quite treat me as if I am enough.  I am tired of that! I deserve to be treated like I am everything!  It's like being with him is toxic.  When I am around him, it's like I am too weak to make any decisions that would involve me saying no to hanging out or being with him.

But I guess right now, all I can really do is keep walking on. Only looking back just enough to remember why I am walking in the first place.

Midnight Prayers

I feel like writing tonight, but I should probably be in bed.


My job this summer is literally crazy.  There are hardly words for everything my job entails, and I am constantly bombarded with questions, spiritual crises of others, physical ailments of others, etc.

Today, in particular, was a really hard day.

We had an intern get very sick, and this intern might have been suicidal.  After spending hours with this intern, and having he/she be extremely unresponsive, we called an ambulance to take him/her to the hospital.  I am sad for this intern, because he/she seemed to be in pain, but he/she also seemed to be dealing with something very heavy in terms of his/her mental state.

Later, this intern came back to the house, ran inside, and refused to speak to anyone.  He/she turned out to have snuck out of the hospital, and will be now taking a few personal days.  I am not sure what is in store for this person, but I feel like he/she did not really get all the help that he/she needed.  I pray for this intern, with all of my heart.

On top of this, we had worship this Tuesday night, that the house pastors are in charge of planning.  not everything was put together for this, so having a sick intern took away a lot of our precious planning time.  Besides the normal frazzled state that accompanies planning worship, the board of directors for Project Transformation came along with the Bishop and his wife.  Also, just joining the board was my new DS for my district in the UMC.  For my friends in Methodist circles, you get the idea.  For my friends not in Methodist circles, it was basically a lot of big deal people coming who will ultimately decide my future as a pastor. No big...

There were certainly parts of the worship that were shaky, but ultimately, everything went really well.

But, my heart is heavy, my body is frail, and my mind is restless.  I am sad for this intern, who has so much going on in his/her life that brings such emotional and physical pain.  I am tired from running around the houses and the chapel all day.  I am saddened and angry about this boy (previously mentioned) essentially playing with my heart, trying to have his cake and eat it, too. And THEN a bunch of interns want to ask me a million questions that I don't know the answer to, and say things like "House Pastors aren't engaged enough in the community," or "House Pastors don't really do anything all day."


It's in those moments that I want to throw arms in the air, tilt my head back, and yell at the sky, "ENOUGH!"  I try so hard to do my job well, and all I do is give and give and give.  And at some point, I come to this place where there is simply no more of me to give.  I HAVE to be better about taking time for myself, to draw from the well of the Lord, so that God can replenish my soul, and consequently give me the strength and effort to pour into the souls and lives of others.

While this entry might be a hodge podge of my thoughts, and not necessarily coherent, I hope you will learn to be ok with that.

I was thinking again about the whole situation with this boy, and I came across a really wonderful quote worth mentioning: "I don't chase anyone.  If you wanna walk out of my life, then I'll hold the damn door open for you."  While this quote does not seem my character, part of me wishes that it were.  I wish that I could be so strong to really have those feelings in my heart when it comes to this boy.  It's what I want to be able to say.  I pray that God would just continually affirm that I made the right, good, just, and healthy decision about this relationship, and I pray that God would just allow me to have confidence enough in myself to be able to not chase anyone for not loving me.

I led a Bible study last night, and we watched the movie, The Secret Life of Bees.  There is a quote in there from the main character, Lily, and while she is angry and finding out her mother didn't come back for her, she is smashing honey jars, and falls to the floor to repeatedly say, "Why didn't you love me?"

How profound of a question!  I feel like I ask this all the time.  It expresses the essential human condition of the need to be loved.  It's really hard not having answers to this question, though.

I pray, Lord, that I will find my identity in you.  That I will know that I can only define myself as one who is radically loved by God, and that that would be enough for me in my heart.  I pray, Lord, that I would truly feel your love.  That I would feel it deep within my bones.  That it would seem near and real and close. Lord, please grant these things to me.  Hear my prayers, and as you are always faithful, allow me to know and feel that you are always near.

Baggage

For all of my avid blog readers, consider this the story continuing!

Last week, I wrote about a boy confessing his attraction to me, and a lot has happened since then.

First, this boy has been extremely flirty, and I have been very cautious/ uneasy about it all.  Mainly, because I was not sure if there was another girl involved.  Earlier this week, I finally got up the courage to say that I felt uncomfortable about the way he was flirting because I felt it might be inappropriate if he had a commitment to another girl.  He went on to tell me what exactly their commitment entailed.  He is "talking to" a girl from South Carolina, who is currently in Argentina (I think?).  They are not dating until they can physically be in each other's presence, which in reality, will probably be never and certainly not anytime soon.  The last time they physically saw each other was in the summer of 2011.  Anyways, while that was significant, it still really didn't address my concerns and how I am supposed to act.  I clarified my question again saying that if he had something with another girl, she might feel uncomfortable with how we are acting, and if I were in her shoes, I certainly would.  He proceeded to tell me that he definitely understood what I meant and that he felt the same way when she confessed to him that she had been making out with other guys.  He then said that she was technically free to do so since they weren't dating.  Later, the conversation turned into him telling me about a lot of his past relationships and how they didn't work out for such and such reason.  He then said he didn't really know what he wanted, and he said he notices in me that I know how to love really well, which is all he really wants out of a relationship and life.


There are a number of things about this scene, but let me start off by saying that this was where I experienced my epiphany.  This guy has a lot of really amazing qualities, but there is some significant baggage that he is carrying around with him.  He has been in a lot of really unhealthy relationships, and I think he is in one now.  While he might not be dating someone, he has a commitment with another girl, and in my opinion, it is not ok for her (or him) to do things with other people amidst this commitment.  That's not really commitment. That's convenience.  Convenience without commitment really, really hurts people.

I know he doesn't know what he wants, and that's a fair place to be, but I think this phrase almost says it all.  He is looking for happiness, affirmation, and love in all the wrong places.  And until he can find it within himself, he won't ever be able to find it in another human being.  Humans are not perfect.  We do HORRIBLE things to each other every day.  We don't know how to love others in righteous and whole ways.  God's agape for the world and for us is what we strive to be and give, even though we often fail.  But, even amidst our failings, we can find joy and contentment in knowing that the only way we can truly define ourselves is as a people who are radically loved by God.  While we might have other things that define us, it all falls underneath God's love for us, which should take priority.

While I might still have things I like about this boy, him and I could never be.  He has a lot to sort out, and he won't find his answers in a relationship.  I pray for him, that I would be a good friend to help him see the joy that comes from being radically loved by God.  I pray, too, that my heart would not grow weak, but stand strong in my conviction that he is not in a healthy place to be in a relationship with.  He has too much baggage right now that is, put simply, too much for me. I know we all have baggage.  I'm just looking for baggage that goes with mine.

Speechless

I am totally and completely at a loss.

What is happening in my life right now?!

Well, I suppose that is a good question, and I should at least begin to give a little background to this story taking place in my life that has, at the moment, rendered me speechless. 

First,  I have completed my first year at seminary, and I am about 3 weeks into my job as a house pastor at Project Transformation!  Life has pretty much been awesome!  PT is hard, but totally worth every minute.  I feel God affirming my calling in my heart, and that is so encouraging to feel and see.

Yet, there is another thing that my heart has now been confronted with. 

There is a boy.

Tonight, we were walking around in a nearby park, and he told me that he liked me.  But, he also mentioned that he has a bit of a commitment to somebody else, and he also feels like he is in a vulnerable place himself.  He wants to make decisions not for the approval of someone else, but for himself. 

So, now I'm totally left speechless.

Really, for a number of reasons.  

#1--I feel a bit validated.  At points, I believed that I was going crazy.  Thinking that he was flirting with me and then second guessing myself.  There were even times the last summer that we worked together (2 years ago) that I thought there were moments, but I wasn't sure.  Essentially, those moments were validated tonight. And the good news, ladies and gentleman?  I am NOT crazy.  All that I thought was happening, was definitely happening, and it wasn't me reading into too much.

#2--I like that he likes me.  I like him, too.  But, I know a lot about him and his past, and sometimes he is very wishy-washy.  Don't get me wrong, I can totally be indecisive, and I quite frequently am when it comes to choosing little things.  But, sometimes, he is wishy-washy with his women.  I don't want to put myself into a stupid position where I end up on the curb, heartbroken.

#3--He may or may not be talking to another girl?  This is all very unclear.  I believe that he is, but I am not sure to what extent. Are they dating? Just talking? I don't know.  What I do know is that I don't want to be the "other woman."  I also don't want to do anything to cause him to stumble if this is the case.

Basically, I just don't know what to do.  My heart says, "Yes!",  but my mind says, "Be careful!" 

But even in writing this, I know who I am, and I know how I will respond.  I do not want to do anything to cause him to stumble.  I want to help him figure out what he wants, and go from there.  He doesn't need to operate based on pleasing me, or society, or anyone else for that matter.  He needs to figure out what he wants, without fear of how the world will respond.  Then, when he makes his own and true decision, will he find his happiness.  

And that will be where I find my own clarity. And maybe then, I will overcome being speechless.

Thank God no one reads this blog, right?!?!