St. Patrick

So, I am nearing the end of my first semester of seminary, and all that stands in my way of wrapping this thing up is an Old Testament final, a Greek final, and a 20 page Christian Heritage paper on St. Patrick.

St. Patrick is crazy, y'all.

First of all, it is truly incredible that we even know anything about him in the first place.  There are only two letters he wrote that survive today, and they were not even discovered until the 7th century.  This is interesting considering that Patrick died in early 5th century.  What happened for a solid 200 years?!?!

Sure, we look at the hagiography about him and hear that he drove snakes out of Ireland, taught the barbaric Irish about the Holy Trinity using a shamrock, and much more.

But really, how did we even come to St. Patrick's day?!  And how did that become about wearing green and Leprechauns?  Quite frankly, St. Patrick is noticeably absent from the holiday we celebrate on his behalf.

Most scholars cannot agree on who Patrick was, historically speaking, and most scholars don't even like to acknowledge the legends surrounding him.  Sad, because even though I don't think St. Patrick actually drove out all the snakes from Ireland, I believe that that hagiography is an important part of St. Patrick's identity as was known to medieval Ireland.

Bleh.

I don't want to write anymore about St. Patrick.  Consensus is that nobody can really agree on who he is historically. And nobody wants to acknowledge his legends from an scholarly point of view.

St. Patrick, who are you????

Embarrassed

I am an embarrassing person.  I am so embarrassing. I wonder what gives me any right to think that I am allowed to talk to people at all.  I wish that I was not so embarrassing.  There are days it seems when everyone wants to talk to me, and then there are days when it seems like I must have the plague from the number of rejected responses I receive.

Can I just give up?! Ugh.

What's wrong with me??

Sometimes, I wish I had a different life.  I wish I was braver.  I wish I was prettier. I have a spirit that wants to see things, that wants to learn.

Why don't people notice that about me?

Election Day

It's hard to believe that today is Election Day.  All throughout this day, I found myself thinking, "I want to remember it."  Our country stands on the brink of change, and today, we will decide as a nation what we are going to do about it.

I began thinking today about the last election.  I was a freshman at SMU.  I had gone to my sorority's chapter and went back to my room to do homework.  I was anxious about the election, yet I felt too much anxiety in not knowing, so I decided to focus on homework.  A few hours later, I remember hearing cheers coming throughout my dorm, and I remembered the election.  I quickly opened my browser to discover that Barack Obama was going to be our nation's new president.  I, being raised in my staunch Republican household, felt defeated. I was nervous for our nation.

It's funny how things have changed, yet definitely stayed the same.

Today, I have found myself keeping myself occupied with all sorts of things.  I went to class today, prayed at the flagpole, ate lunch in the refectory, went to class, went to work, went to small group, and I am now sitting at Cafe Brazil trying to pre-occupy myself with all of my papers and Greek vocab.  I am still super anxious for our country, and that has remained the same, but for different reasons.

It's funny, but I am almost afraid to write it on this blog that none of my friends even know I have nor read.  I want to both shout it, and yet I feel like I should whisper it.

I think the President of our country should be a compassionate person, someone who cares for the well-being of the people of the United States.  I also believe in freedom.  Yet, as I have gotten older, I am coming to realize freedom always comes with a cost.  I think about those I know who live in poverty.  The children who I have worked with and for for the past 4 summers.  Their circumstance came about because of terrible circumstances, not because of laziness.  And poverty can be really hard to get out of.  I have really been convicted of this lately.  Republicans say that they have a freedom to spend their hard-earned money the way that they want to, and they shouldn't be forced to give their money to those who are "lazy" and living in poverty.  In part, I agree with this.  Yet, it leaves me asking the question: "Are we just going to sit back and live in this structure that is not only ok with, but also perpetuates  millions of people living in poverty?"  Can we really sit there and say because of freedom, we are ok with this?  

I think that these structures need to change.  I think that we can equally have freedom that supports freedom.  Sure, I think that we can come up with an idea better than just handing out welfare checks, but are we really going to sit back and do nothing as a country when part of our population is suffering? Many people think that the poor are lazy, and sure, some are, but to say that that defines all those living in poverty is a gross generalization.

I don't agree with all that Barack Obama wants to do in terms of policy, but I appreciate that he is clearly a caring and compassionate person.  Mitt Romney is a businessman that is very concerned with future of our country, which I also appreciate.  Yet, at the end of the day, I feel like Obama cares more about the people of our country, while Romney cares more about the future of our country versus the people within it.  

But the fact remains, we have no country without the people.

Waiting

Right now, I feel like I am in this place where I really want to write and be creative, but at the same time, I have no idea what to say.

Speaking of not knowing what to say, I sometimes feel like I don't really know all of the right words to say when I am talking to a couple of my new friends.  Sometimes they catch me off guard.  Sometimes I feel like I am two different people. But, I'm not, maybe I just present myself differently?

I have met a lot of new people lately, starting seminary and all.  This past Friday, I went to a Halloween party with a bunch of Perkins students, and it was great!  On Saturday, I also hung out with some new friends to watch football, which was also great!

I want to be talkative, but I am sometimes too shy.  I end up thinking really poorly of myself.  Then, I tell myself that the next chance I get I will take.   The chance comes. And goes.  And I am still silent, disliking myself all the more having not said anything.  Here I am again facing the same predicament.  It makes me think of a Michelle Branch song with lyrics that read, "Well it's all so overrated in not saying how you feel.  So you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real."  This is totally true. Michelle just inspired me to speak up, alongside me typing up this blog.  Now I feel anxious and overwhelmed, and I wondered why I did it.  Slightly feeling regretful.

And then nothing. Yet, I've come to realize that I don't exactly feel regretful, I just feel saddened.  I'm proud of myself for mustering up courage to actually say something, but the lack of response leaves my mind swimming in my own personal sea of insecurities.  "Wait for the Lord" "Trust in God"

Waiting is hard....

Today, I got out of Greek class and felt very contemplative.  I've had a lot of emotions swirling around in my head lately.  I logged onto facebook and read some of my old notes that I wrote (which are a bit embarrassing).  I also logged on to myspace and read some of my old blogs (which are even more embarrassing).   Despite all the embarrassment from my adolescent years, it made me remember how much I love to write.  So, I decided to start a blog.  While I feel like this is a somewhat cliche thing to do, I've decided to postpone my inhibitions for a moment.  I'm not really sure if I am going to share this with people just yet, and that's ok.

Lately, I felt as if I am standing on the precipice of emotion.  There just seems to be so much bottled up inside of me.  I wish that I could express it all.  It feels isolating and saddening. Always on the verge of tears. I have been praying and praying for my focus to be on the Lord, and not on these trivial matters of my life.  Somedays I feel joyful.  Somedays I feel dreadful.

While this has only been my first semester in seminary, I have truly gained a new perspective while being there.  Seminary is simultaneously everything and nothing like I expected.  Through everything that has happened, I have been challenged to love, and I have been convinced that the people running churches are people, filled with flaws and beauty, just like we all are.

I also think that my eyes are being opened to what my future is actually going to look like.  The "real world" is getting closer.  I've realized that helping people is really hard.  To be in the profession that I would like to pursue, that I feel called to pursue, I am going to have to fight for it.  In my Introduction to Theology course, we are talking about appropriate relations to have with those we are ministering to.  If we treat those to whom we are ministering as best friends and buddies, things begin to happen.  Things can happen.  In the mind of a given congregation member, for example.  It is important to have healthy boundaries in relationships. Most denominations today have a process for reviewing those for sexual harassment.  A simple accusation alone mars the reputation of the clergy person.  Sometimes clergy are dismissed not because they are found guilty of wrongdoing (which also does happen) but because a judgment could not be made, so the church as a denomination basically protects itself.  The very appearance of having sexually harassed someone becomes a problem.  How terrifying.  That one person could make one misguided comment that could completely strip me or a fellow clergy of credentials.  These are words of wisdom and caution.  Day by day, I become more convinced that being a clergy is one of the hardest professions, and I am more and more appreciative of the clergy people I do know.  It’s not your intentions, it’s how it’s received.  Intentions do not matter in this setting.

Lord, I pray that you be my guide on this journey.  I pray for focus on you  It is my hope that your joy would be present amidst everything.  Lord, I also pray for comfort and reassurance within this path that I feel you've called me to.