Waiting

Right now, I feel like I am in this place where I really want to write and be creative, but at the same time, I have no idea what to say.

Speaking of not knowing what to say, I sometimes feel like I don't really know all of the right words to say when I am talking to a couple of my new friends.  Sometimes they catch me off guard.  Sometimes I feel like I am two different people. But, I'm not, maybe I just present myself differently?

I have met a lot of new people lately, starting seminary and all.  This past Friday, I went to a Halloween party with a bunch of Perkins students, and it was great!  On Saturday, I also hung out with some new friends to watch football, which was also great!

I want to be talkative, but I am sometimes too shy.  I end up thinking really poorly of myself.  Then, I tell myself that the next chance I get I will take.   The chance comes. And goes.  And I am still silent, disliking myself all the more having not said anything.  Here I am again facing the same predicament.  It makes me think of a Michelle Branch song with lyrics that read, "Well it's all so overrated in not saying how you feel.  So you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real."  This is totally true. Michelle just inspired me to speak up, alongside me typing up this blog.  Now I feel anxious and overwhelmed, and I wondered why I did it.  Slightly feeling regretful.

And then nothing. Yet, I've come to realize that I don't exactly feel regretful, I just feel saddened.  I'm proud of myself for mustering up courage to actually say something, but the lack of response leaves my mind swimming in my own personal sea of insecurities.  "Wait for the Lord" "Trust in God"

Waiting is hard....