Today, I got out of Greek class and felt very contemplative.  I've had a lot of emotions swirling around in my head lately.  I logged onto facebook and read some of my old notes that I wrote (which are a bit embarrassing).  I also logged on to myspace and read some of my old blogs (which are even more embarrassing).   Despite all the embarrassment from my adolescent years, it made me remember how much I love to write.  So, I decided to start a blog.  While I feel like this is a somewhat cliche thing to do, I've decided to postpone my inhibitions for a moment.  I'm not really sure if I am going to share this with people just yet, and that's ok.

Lately, I felt as if I am standing on the precipice of emotion.  There just seems to be so much bottled up inside of me.  I wish that I could express it all.  It feels isolating and saddening. Always on the verge of tears. I have been praying and praying for my focus to be on the Lord, and not on these trivial matters of my life.  Somedays I feel joyful.  Somedays I feel dreadful.

While this has only been my first semester in seminary, I have truly gained a new perspective while being there.  Seminary is simultaneously everything and nothing like I expected.  Through everything that has happened, I have been challenged to love, and I have been convinced that the people running churches are people, filled with flaws and beauty, just like we all are.

I also think that my eyes are being opened to what my future is actually going to look like.  The "real world" is getting closer.  I've realized that helping people is really hard.  To be in the profession that I would like to pursue, that I feel called to pursue, I am going to have to fight for it.  In my Introduction to Theology course, we are talking about appropriate relations to have with those we are ministering to.  If we treat those to whom we are ministering as best friends and buddies, things begin to happen.  Things can happen.  In the mind of a given congregation member, for example.  It is important to have healthy boundaries in relationships. Most denominations today have a process for reviewing those for sexual harassment.  A simple accusation alone mars the reputation of the clergy person.  Sometimes clergy are dismissed not because they are found guilty of wrongdoing (which also does happen) but because a judgment could not be made, so the church as a denomination basically protects itself.  The very appearance of having sexually harassed someone becomes a problem.  How terrifying.  That one person could make one misguided comment that could completely strip me or a fellow clergy of credentials.  These are words of wisdom and caution.  Day by day, I become more convinced that being a clergy is one of the hardest professions, and I am more and more appreciative of the clergy people I do know.  It’s not your intentions, it’s how it’s received.  Intentions do not matter in this setting.

Lord, I pray that you be my guide on this journey.  I pray for focus on you  It is my hope that your joy would be present amidst everything.  Lord, I also pray for comfort and reassurance within this path that I feel you've called me to.