Speechless

I am totally and completely at a loss.

What is happening in my life right now?!

Well, I suppose that is a good question, and I should at least begin to give a little background to this story taking place in my life that has, at the moment, rendered me speechless. 

First,  I have completed my first year at seminary, and I am about 3 weeks into my job as a house pastor at Project Transformation!  Life has pretty much been awesome!  PT is hard, but totally worth every minute.  I feel God affirming my calling in my heart, and that is so encouraging to feel and see.

Yet, there is another thing that my heart has now been confronted with. 

There is a boy.

Tonight, we were walking around in a nearby park, and he told me that he liked me.  But, he also mentioned that he has a bit of a commitment to somebody else, and he also feels like he is in a vulnerable place himself.  He wants to make decisions not for the approval of someone else, but for himself. 

So, now I'm totally left speechless.

Really, for a number of reasons.  

#1--I feel a bit validated.  At points, I believed that I was going crazy.  Thinking that he was flirting with me and then second guessing myself.  There were even times the last summer that we worked together (2 years ago) that I thought there were moments, but I wasn't sure.  Essentially, those moments were validated tonight. And the good news, ladies and gentleman?  I am NOT crazy.  All that I thought was happening, was definitely happening, and it wasn't me reading into too much.

#2--I like that he likes me.  I like him, too.  But, I know a lot about him and his past, and sometimes he is very wishy-washy.  Don't get me wrong, I can totally be indecisive, and I quite frequently am when it comes to choosing little things.  But, sometimes, he is wishy-washy with his women.  I don't want to put myself into a stupid position where I end up on the curb, heartbroken.

#3--He may or may not be talking to another girl?  This is all very unclear.  I believe that he is, but I am not sure to what extent. Are they dating? Just talking? I don't know.  What I do know is that I don't want to be the "other woman."  I also don't want to do anything to cause him to stumble if this is the case.

Basically, I just don't know what to do.  My heart says, "Yes!",  but my mind says, "Be careful!" 

But even in writing this, I know who I am, and I know how I will respond.  I do not want to do anything to cause him to stumble.  I want to help him figure out what he wants, and go from there.  He doesn't need to operate based on pleasing me, or society, or anyone else for that matter.  He needs to figure out what he wants, without fear of how the world will respond.  Then, when he makes his own and true decision, will he find his happiness.  

And that will be where I find my own clarity. And maybe then, I will overcome being speechless.

Thank God no one reads this blog, right?!?!