Midnight Prayers

I feel like writing tonight, but I should probably be in bed.


My job this summer is literally crazy.  There are hardly words for everything my job entails, and I am constantly bombarded with questions, spiritual crises of others, physical ailments of others, etc.

Today, in particular, was a really hard day.

We had an intern get very sick, and this intern might have been suicidal.  After spending hours with this intern, and having he/she be extremely unresponsive, we called an ambulance to take him/her to the hospital.  I am sad for this intern, because he/she seemed to be in pain, but he/she also seemed to be dealing with something very heavy in terms of his/her mental state.

Later, this intern came back to the house, ran inside, and refused to speak to anyone.  He/she turned out to have snuck out of the hospital, and will be now taking a few personal days.  I am not sure what is in store for this person, but I feel like he/she did not really get all the help that he/she needed.  I pray for this intern, with all of my heart.

On top of this, we had worship this Tuesday night, that the house pastors are in charge of planning.  not everything was put together for this, so having a sick intern took away a lot of our precious planning time.  Besides the normal frazzled state that accompanies planning worship, the board of directors for Project Transformation came along with the Bishop and his wife.  Also, just joining the board was my new DS for my district in the UMC.  For my friends in Methodist circles, you get the idea.  For my friends not in Methodist circles, it was basically a lot of big deal people coming who will ultimately decide my future as a pastor. No big...

There were certainly parts of the worship that were shaky, but ultimately, everything went really well.

But, my heart is heavy, my body is frail, and my mind is restless.  I am sad for this intern, who has so much going on in his/her life that brings such emotional and physical pain.  I am tired from running around the houses and the chapel all day.  I am saddened and angry about this boy (previously mentioned) essentially playing with my heart, trying to have his cake and eat it, too. And THEN a bunch of interns want to ask me a million questions that I don't know the answer to, and say things like "House Pastors aren't engaged enough in the community," or "House Pastors don't really do anything all day."


It's in those moments that I want to throw arms in the air, tilt my head back, and yell at the sky, "ENOUGH!"  I try so hard to do my job well, and all I do is give and give and give.  And at some point, I come to this place where there is simply no more of me to give.  I HAVE to be better about taking time for myself, to draw from the well of the Lord, so that God can replenish my soul, and consequently give me the strength and effort to pour into the souls and lives of others.

While this entry might be a hodge podge of my thoughts, and not necessarily coherent, I hope you will learn to be ok with that.

I was thinking again about the whole situation with this boy, and I came across a really wonderful quote worth mentioning: "I don't chase anyone.  If you wanna walk out of my life, then I'll hold the damn door open for you."  While this quote does not seem my character, part of me wishes that it were.  I wish that I could be so strong to really have those feelings in my heart when it comes to this boy.  It's what I want to be able to say.  I pray that God would just continually affirm that I made the right, good, just, and healthy decision about this relationship, and I pray that God would just allow me to have confidence enough in myself to be able to not chase anyone for not loving me.

I led a Bible study last night, and we watched the movie, The Secret Life of Bees.  There is a quote in there from the main character, Lily, and while she is angry and finding out her mother didn't come back for her, she is smashing honey jars, and falls to the floor to repeatedly say, "Why didn't you love me?"

How profound of a question!  I feel like I ask this all the time.  It expresses the essential human condition of the need to be loved.  It's really hard not having answers to this question, though.

I pray, Lord, that I will find my identity in you.  That I will know that I can only define myself as one who is radically loved by God, and that that would be enough for me in my heart.  I pray, Lord, that I would truly feel your love.  That I would feel it deep within my bones.  That it would seem near and real and close. Lord, please grant these things to me.  Hear my prayers, and as you are always faithful, allow me to know and feel that you are always near.